"All I know at the end of the day is Your love remains"

In about five hours, I need to leave for the airport. Bags have been packed (perhaps over-packed?), documents gathered, finances sorted, multiple blokus games with family have been played, and ice cream has been eaten (because, for some reason, several people that I love think goodbyes deserve ice cream...I concur)!

The title of this post is a line from a Paul Coleman song called "One Thing," and it's been one of my favorite songs since the first time I was in Japan. On days like today, when I don't know what is really ahead and what the next few weeks will feel like, it's extremely reassuring to push doubts and fears from my mind with the black-and-white promise of God's love remaining with me. When I don't know what the next years will look like for my family, or friends, it's reassuring to know that God's love remains with them as well.

I know that God is much more than a safety-belt, and His love is wilder and larger than any security blanket we might want to hold. But as "unsafe" or crazy as His love is, it is completely trustworthy. And that, my friends, brings peace.

Time for rest, final goodbyes, and many...many...hours of airplanes!

Eyes to see the special blessings...

It's one week to the day before I leave! Oy! Today has been spent running around to various financial institutions and the post office (of course!), to try and get everything in order for the next couple of years (note to self--check on renewing driver's license! sigh...)

Anyway, I really don't like traveling, and I hate saying goodbye to people, and moving around is just not something I like to do...BUT I do recognize that those of us who travel around get some extra blessings that those who are more stable do not get to have. For example, I get to play blokus and watch Star Wars with my family, eat lunch with my dad, pack clothes and freeze strawberries with my mom, and spend time with them all that I otherwise would not spend (because I would presumably have a job and be away working in a normal young-adult life somewhere). Saying goodbye also forces me to not leave things unsaid--things like "I love you," "You're important to me," and "thank you for being a blessing," and leaving brings about such special memories, moments, and words...

Today I was driving around in my jeep (not really mine, but borrowed--and a gift!) and reflecting on the special blessings I experience through all of the goodbyes I say, and I was still reflecting on blessings when I went into the post office to ship my guitar overseas (yes, I did say ship my guitar overseas...gulp...). The man at the post office has become a friend through all of my various shipping-to-Japan experiences, and I was touched to tears when, after sticking all of the address and customs information on the guitar case and placing it on the scale, the man reached out and prayed quietly for the safe delivery of the guitar.

Moments of blessing...I highly recommend undertaking a lifestyle that you can't handle by yourself :)...it kind of makes you see the miracles in every moment.

Visa here! Visa there! Visa, visa, everywhere!

So, the last 56 hours or so have reminded me again of why I pray. :) And they also have reminded me of how little I still truly know of traveling...

Those traveling in Japan on a tourist visa can stay in the country up to 90 days (or something like that), but those staying longer usually have to go through the application process for a working visa of some kind. When I went to Japan as a Volunteer Youth Ministry (VYM) volunteer, LCMS World Mission took care of most of that paperwork, and I really just sent them what they needed. I didn't have to take care of the timing of visas and flights and similar lovely things.

This time is a little different. The Japanese Lutheran Church (known as the Nihon Ruteru Kyoudan, or the NRK) used some documents we gathered together to apply for what is known as a certificate of eligibility. Once I get the certificate of eligibility, I will then (hopefully) be able to send it with other documents to the Japanese Consulate in Chicago and receive my actual visa within a few days...

My plane ticket is for June 29th. Two (I think) days ago, we were under the impression that it would take another TWO WEEKS just to receive the certificate of eligibility, so I spent time looking at changing my plane ticket to a new time. Then we suddenly learned that the certificate was received in Japan and was being mailed here ASAP. The only problem was that this was the weekend that I planned on saying goodbye to several people, and I had already made travel plans and scheduled meetings.

My poor parents and I have been bouncing back and forth from computer to cell phone, tracking this crazy document and its approach towards my home, and then as soon as we get it at home I'm going to drop all my plans and head home so I can leave home and ship it out as fast as I can. Oy. And then I'm going to pray very fervently that it will come back to me before my plane has to leave.

It probably feels much crazier than it sounds. :) Add the emotions of saying goodbye to people to the emotions/stress of filling out visa applications and tracking documents, and it just feels intense... I feel mentally like I'm in a Dr. Seuss book, reminding myself of times, deadlines, and passwords constantly.

*several hours later, because I lost internet at this point* :)

My visa stuff is mailed! Now I'm praying fervently that I didn't forget anything. :) Oy!

An Important Prayer

Today I was cleaning out some of my boxes that have been stored in our basement, and I ran across a box I made after coming back from Japan a year ago. Being a person who processes best by writing, I have a ridiculous amount of journals, notebooks, scraps of paper, etc., and I spent some time going through the box of notebooks to see what I should keep and what could be thrown away or saved for future thoughts. :)

One page of a notebook held words to a song that Megumi, a girl I met at Nozomi Church, wrote. She asked me to help her with the words in English, and this is what we kind of came up with (mostly her--which is amazing in a second language!):

When I knew there was no love in me,
I bowed down before you.
Then I admitted that I had no love,
And I appealed to you.
Now I come before you and appeal to your mercy:

I want your love--your love, it covers all things,
And your love it covers all sin,
Please fill me with that love.
I want your love--please touch my heart so I can see,
And cleanse me from iniquity,
Let your love cover me.

Give me a heart that holds close all the people,
With love to give and help to grow them up,
How you designed them and made them to be,
I want to be an instrument of love--please guide me!
Now I come before you and appeal to your mercy...

The words and melody of the song are pretty simple. Nothing that would be raved about by any serious musician...but the song blessed me because of the importance of its prayer.

Since coming back to the States, a common prayer that I have prayed has actually been something like, "God, PLEASE help me not to love anyone..." Somehow leaving Japan has made me adopt the rule of the jedi order (see Star Wars for more details :)) that says "Attachment is forbidden..." I'm not even talking about marriage--just love and care for people in general becomes frightening when one realizes the frailty of life. My love is ridiculous and frightening. It either does not exist or it clings too tightly...

HOWEVER...(and I'm putting this in caps because this is the important part)

God's love is perfect. It is everything in 1 Corinthians 13 and more...everything that my family and friends here in America need, everything that the people in Fukushima need. And it is God's, free for the asking, given through the Holy Spirit... When I look at it in this clarity of comparison between my love and God's love, my own fears of attachment, un-attachment, connections in Fukushima in the future, and more all seem to lead to one obvious direction--Megumi's prayer/song asking for love.

The truth is that I can't do it. I could never do it. But God can--and he promises to give gifts that enable us to serve, to love, to hope, to rejoice...

I was struck by the Megumi's line of "so touch my eyes so I can see" also...it reminded me of the verse from Ps. 27 that I've been reflecting on in the last few days (see last post). God doesn't just give us his love to fill us up...but so that we can see his love work by reaching out to others...and maybe it is the same with joy and goodness and peace...we put them to work in real life, real relationships, real daily struggles so that we can see the blessings that they are, that we truly have been given.

Good lessons to mull over, grow with, and pray about...note to self: keep praying about God's love...

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." - Ps. 27

Sometimes, especially when I'm saying goodbye to people, I adopt this idea that life will always be sad and the only complete joy is in heaven. While that is maybe a true statement at face value, the verse of the Psalm above reminds me that God's goodness is seen today, every day, "in the land of the living"--"normal" days, sad days, happy days--peace and joy and strength and love come from a God who is intimately familiar and interested in our physical days.

Sometimes the looking forward in hope to heaven is faith-inspiring and obedient...other times it is me responding to God in bitterness, closing my eyes to the gifts of goodness I've received today. Please God, strengthen my faith so that I have both hope and confidence that you have goodness planned for eternity, the future, and for today...