Family in Fukushima

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." - Luke 14:26

I have to admit that when I flipped to Luke to find the reading for today's English Bible study and read the above verse, I definitely wrinkled my nose. Who likes talking about hating family? Who likes talking about the hard parts of being a disciple? How am I going to talk about this with English students who come from a culture that values family loyalty very highly? How do I speak truth and balance it with grace?

I read the passage about a week ago and found those questions spinning around in my head all this last week, as I thought of how to attempt to teach this passage. Rolling them around in my head and praying for guidance didn't seem to be getting anywhere--I found myself just crying up at God in frustration, "God! Why do you even have passages like this in the Bible? What do they mean?"

Then Sunday happened. And I found myself crying and smiling at the same time, saying, "Ok, God...I think I get that verse a little better now."

Sunday, my pastor's wife left for the hospital for her upcoming surgery. It sounds so bland and un-relational to say such things: "my pastor's wife." Using the English language, that is her relationship to me, I guess. But those words and that relational title doesn't do ANYTHING to describe the actual relationship. It does nothing to describe how she fights for us and with us against darkness and despair. It does nothing to communicate the care she shows in her small gifts and countless shared meals or the times when she comes into the classroom and just chats for awhile about the day. It does nothing to communicate the fact that she is like my family.

There is a part of me that feels bruised inside even as I say that. My family. "God, I already have a family--one you gave me!" I want to say. My dad and mom and siblings are very dear to me! My grandparents, who probably don't know they are dear to me because they only hear from me once a year or so, are people that I care about. But I don't get to spend holidays with them, don't get to share daily struggles with them, don't get to see how they're doing and what they're doing. Can we chat on skype, share things, pray for each other? Certainly. But it is...different.

There is a part of me that feels disloyal when I say that the Nomura's and Cindy are my family here. But Sunday afternoon, while we were praying for Ryoko's surgery, sharing lunch together, and driving around doing errands ("Dad" and "Mom" in the front seat, Cindy and I in the back), there was an overwhelming sense of peace and safety--the feeling that comes from being with family. And it is a feeling of joy and love, as well as sadness and tension.

People often seem to treat missionaries as though they enjoy mission work because they are bold and daring. Many people seem to think that we have no longings for our families and home, because we are so bent on excitedly doing God's will. Let me tell you--at least for me, that's not true!

But...I can say--with amazement, thankfulness, and joy--that "giving up" my own family, to a certain extent, is both a sacrifice and a gift. A sacrifice because I love them and miss them, because I want to be "loyal" to them. A gift because I find myself with new families, with people that I trust to love and support and share with me. And a gift because I am given people to love dearly.

I wish I were better at communicating the tension--both the pain and sadness and the great joy and love! But maybe understanding simply comes with experiencing the sacrifice and God's provision. Does that sound like I'm putting myself up on a pedestal? Well, I don't mean to do so. Sacrificing things I want or think I need is not something I do well--trust me! But God is so good to guide me through the struggle and give me gifts--gifts that are better than anything I could ever imagine!

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple."

Oy. Even if I don't take this literally and simply read, "If one wants to be my disciple, he or she has to be prepared to give up everything," it still seems harsh and strong. But...but...but...

It's true. It's not just a verse for me to read over quickly and then push out of my mind. My family, in the end, is not what saves me. My life's goals and desires are not what bring forgiveness, peace, and joy... And God is the God who sees and provides, more than I can imagine. He pries things out of my grasp gently because He is planning on replacing those things with other blessings--at least for a season. At least, that has been my experience up to this point.

I still feel a little like crying and singing for joy. But...it's time to head to class, prep for students and get ready for this Bible study! :)

Here are some pictures of my "Fukushima Family" (with Victor too--who was definitely like a brother!:)). I cannot put into words how dear they are to me!