Miracles of heart-change

"God isn't there any part of this job that I can do? Why am I here again?"

Yesterday's classes hadn't put me in the best frame of mind for my morning walk-and-yell-at-God (um...did I say that? I meant walk and pray...).

"...I know that you say that I can do all things through You...but do you have to teach me that lesson by making me fail at everything? Seriously, God, can't I just have one part of this job--one area!--that I can feel competent in? Please?...I just want...something to hold onto."

I don't generally "hear" God, but I have to say that a response came back pretty clearly and immediately: Child, why don't you try holding onto My hand?

Stubborn silence from the still-angry child. Then, "God, can't I learn this lesson a different way? You're not the most gentle teacher, you know..."

Any chance you remember Me trying to teach a stubborn Pharoah? My lessons don't have to be harsh...

"Yeah. We just studied that part yesterday. Okay, okay, God, I get the point."

There are several minutes of silence, and even with my fists clenched I can feel the waiting of this almighty, kingly Father who somehow has enough love to also listen to yells from my stubborn heart.

"God...I can't find Your hand right now. Could you...just pick up mine and put it in Yours? Help me hold on."

There's no answer.

But in a breathless moment of taste-able grace, I recognize that the formerly angry, frightened, frustrated beating of my heart has calmed to a beat of peace. The sun, formerly blocked by a cloak of despair, actually is warming my face with its rays. And the words of praise that had simply been background music take root in my own mind and heart, take shape on my lips, and I join in.

This is why I believe in a living, grace-filled God.