In the beginning...of Christmas

Today was one of those Bible studies that I'm still scratching my head over (figuratively speaking, at least :)). At 1:25pm, I was still trying to decide whether to lead the group in John 1, Genesis 1, Revelation 21, Luke 1, or Luke 3. I really wanted to do all of them. :) And my poor students were expecting me to talk about Christmas.

At 1:30pm, looking at the students walking into class, I decided to keep it simple: John 1, focused on the question "Who is Jesus?"

Those of you who know John 1 know that the whole Jesus-question is not easy to answer. The poor students struggled with titles like "the Word," "light," "only Son of the Father," "source of life"--what does that all mean, anyhow? I understood at least part of the looks on their faces--John 1 has never meant a whole lot to me either, mostly because I haven't been able to decipher it.

However, today the Jesus-titles scattered through John's opening description of Jesus led us to Genesis 1 and Revelation, offering pictures of both the living, active, creating Word of God and the glorious, ruling Son of the Father, who is Light for the city of God. And somehow, we ended up talking about our very limited ideas of the Baby born in a manger--how often we forget that the Baby also is the Word and the eternal King and the Light. And somehow, through those discussions, it hit all of us, in different ways: this Jesus is making claims that no other baby has made before. This Baby is claiming to be God.

I love when students are honest, and they tell me, "I can't believe that yet." Even saying that much shows me that they have heard the message, and that they are wrestling with it. And, as we agreed in Bible study today, John's message invites us all to do a little wrestling.

Wrestling is not a bad place to be--I should know, because I'm frequently in that place. How convicting and reassuring it was to be reminded of the spectrum of Christ's existence and rule--from "in the beginning" to "and they shall reign forever and ever."

And knowing the spectrum, how amazing it is to know that this Christ became the Baby in the manger! I pray that your Advent season gives you glimpses into both the glorious hugeness and the amazing smallness of Jesus...and please pray for us, as we study, that faith would grasp the grace of this Word-Light-Baby-King-Jesus.

Questions and weakness

It's been a rather silent period here on the blog...sorry! This month has been filled with a lot of questions that don't translate into concrete posts. In reality, it's probably just "that time" in the stages of culture shock when everything just feels icky and results in an existential crisis at least once a day. :) It's hard to post honest blogs during these times, but here goes...

If I had to choose several "themes of the month," one would definitely be working in weakness. Last night I was chuckling as I heard 2 Corinthians 4 read aloud: "...we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." Yes. Yes, I certainly hope so. For some reason, as part of my job, I'm expected to speak at board meetings...and Cindy ends up leading worship. Those of you who know Cindy and I probably know that we much prefer those roles reversed. I never feel so incompetent as when I'm trying to stammer out Japanese at a board meeting. Another recent of example of weakness: I spent most of last week without a voice or with only a very low, quiet voice--effectively making teaching kid's classes and leading music a slightly pathetic experience for all involved. A third example: we've been putting together a kid's (and family) advent program to be used throughout the next few weeks...and have been reminded frequently of our very low levels of experience in children's ministry. I maybe could post a picture of our star crafts as an example... :)

When each new situation arises when it seems that I'm expected to do exactly what I don't know how to do, I roll my eyes upward and stammer out, "What? How...? Why....?" And pray that God's glory is shown in my weakness. And keep walking--even when I sometimes don't know why.

A recent blessing was to meet an old friend in Niigata. She, Cindy, and I compared life situations and were astounded at the similarities and the questions. My friend is not a Christian, but we talked a lot about God and His direction in our lives. Where/how do we have freedom? What are we called to do? How do we listen, decide, walk in confidence, decipher between the voices, and live in authenticity and obedience to God?

My friend asked me, "Do you always hear God directing you?"

Funny timing. I had just spent at least an hour honestly and painfully asking God why He has been so silent.

"No. I don't hear God directing me." There was no other honest answer for her.

But I know how God has directed me up to this point.

Which means that I'm here. Which means that I missed my brother's first high school play this last weekend. Which means my adopted grandmother and my dog were buried without me. Which means that this stage of culture shock is just plain necessary and good. Which means that I'll be asking for awhile yet what my purpose is here and trying to discover the measuring rod necessary for life's survival in this place. Which means that Thanksgiving involved eating Indian curry instead of turkey. :) Which means we plan children's ministry, create chopstick star crafts that most elementary school teachers would grimace at, and pray for the dear families that God brings in. Which means we continue to fight for time for music and prayer, even when it seems more painful than purposeful. And it means that I go into tomorrow's meeting with the bosses from Tokyo, ready to speak if called on.

And through it all, I pray that God's glory shows through the cracks and weaknesses and days when the questions are too big to handle. The theme for our first advent kid's day today was light, shining in the darkness. I know the light is here...and, as we've taught the kid's to say with an emphatic thumbs-up, it's good.

Ranting...and Jacob and Esau

Read the title and be forewarned. :)

So, the last week hasn't been the most upbeat or cheerful week I've ever experienced. Eric left, I caught a cold that just made me feel miserable and whiny, and then I received an email from my mom sharing that a close friend--an "adopted grandma"--had passed away. Sigh. Then there were the moments when I felt like I was hurting people I loved, moments when discussions about church relations and work left my shoulders and heart sagging in defeat, and moments when the walls between myself and other church members felt at least 20 feet thick...

Double sigh.

Everything finally exploded inside of me today. First things were brought to a head in an icebreaker question at Bible study this morning. It was my job to ask the icebreaker question, and so I side-stepped the normal questions about nature and asked everyone for a good family memory. Hands down, around the table, almost everyone said the same thing: "For Japanese people, there really aren't very many good family memories...there's just not a lot of time when families are together..."

And that was it. In Japanese, there is a word for this: shoganai. Translation: it can't be helped (insert shrug of shoulders and a small bow).

First of all, never--let me repeat NEVER--do I want this to be an answer regarding any family I declare myself to be a part of. It can be helped, in my opinion. So there (insert stomp of foot that should be taken very seriously, even in its childishness). Second, before you think I'm just ranting about Japanese culture, let me continue.

The other thing that influenced me to type a ranting blog post today was an update on international theological discussions that have been taking place. Almost everything about these discussions disgust (can I use that strong of a word?!) me--on both sides. Power-plays. Name-calling. Judgments. Pity-parties. Adherence to rules simply because they are rules. Truth set aside for the "higher calling" of keeping status in the Christian community. Innocents accused. Families left unprotected. Compassion set aside.

Anyway, in the midst of this day of ranting, the Bible study tonight was the story of Jacob stealing Esau's blessing from Isaac. Talk about mixed-up families and good spiritual motives...yeah. The women, Sensei, and I all tracked Jacob and Esau's personalities through several chapters of Genesis. What we found was not so encouraging--the God of Abraham and Isaac seemed to have no good choices when it came to Isaac's sons! One was a strong fighter who did not care for God's promises, and the other was a quiet schemer who was out for all the power he could get.

Finally, near the end of the Bible study, one of the ladies leaned over and asked Sensei, "I always thought that the Bible was about the right and wrong way to live. But these are all stories...are they stories about what we shouldn't be doing?"

I had to smile at Sensei's answer--a perfect response to a day of internal and external ranting. He explained that the Bible portrays historical stories and so more than good or bad, they are real. And because the stories are real, they depict real sins, real sinful people...and a real Savior.

Some days, it just feels like there is a lot of darkness...because it's true. I see it around me and recognize it inside of me. Thank God that He's promised not to leave us this way--and has proven that His promises are trustworthy!

Hard questions and good answers

"I used to think that God was gentle. But now I think He's hard and strict. I've heard that God tests us, but that we shouldn't test God..."

Tired eyes, a slightly-trembling lip, and a barely-checked depth of emotion enveloped the comment the young mother made before leaving the church this afternoon. We were all sitting on the floor, chatting about the Bible story for the week, while the children were in class.

Her comments led me to think of a few other things as well: a fleece on the ground, waiting to catch God's dew or His dryness...times of pleading prayers, given unheard, unseen answers. I waited in silence, wrestling with my own questions.

Then a beautiful thing happened. Another young mother, one who had only attended two Bible studies, spoke up saying, "That's interesting. I had thought that the God of the Bible was strict and frightening. But when I heard last week that God loved Abraham, I came to recognize and be amazed at God's love."

"God has love, yes. But what He's strict about, He's strict about."

"But remember how God made the world perfect, and then the humans decided to separate from God?" another mother broke in. "God's strictness doesn't negate the love. God didn't want it to be this way."

"It is like a parent," continued the other, "who comes after her child, who has run away. Of course she might appear angry. But it is because she loves the child that she'll be strict."

The first mother, who raised the first concern, nodded in acknowledgement of the ladies' comments. I sat with a small smile and an ache, praising God for the words He'd given to mothers who have yet to officially acknowledge Him as Lord, and recognizing that the first mother's eyes held a question and pain that would not be swept away by logic or examples. Maybe love, in some respect, has to be claimed as well as reasoned and believed in order to be known. I pray that each of those mothers would believe and claim the Source of unfailing love as Jesus.

I am continually delighted by God's guidance of these ladies and their discussions. I'm continually amazed, as we seek together to cling to the hand of our Father, to be reminded again and again that we are being held most tenderly even as we seek.

A photo update

I apologize for the last few weeks of silence...but here are some pictures, in very random order, to capture some recent excursions and Eric's visit! :)

"Sushi in the hand"...like tacos, but not... :) Equally yummy, however. :)

Some of our cute ladies, posing with the autumn leaves.

Nihonmatsu Castle

Autumn-leaf enthusiasts

Check out the height differences... :)