"From protest to praise..."

I confess that I am a great planner of escape routes. Cindy says that it's because I have such an inability to say no to people...maybe that is true...but for whatever the reason, I like to have several options and multiple deadlines in my head, so I can sneak away from anyone I want to sneak away from and excuse myself from any possibly-enmeshing situations. Yes, I am an introvert. :)

Often, however, my plans go way beyond what I want to do for the evening and how I will say goodbye politely to people...I catch myself frequently planning future "escape routes" and dreams about life. These in and of themselves, I think, aren't bad. And sometimes they are simply entertaining--one day I'll be talking about grad school, and the next day I'll be adopting twelve children. Probably the day after that, I'll think about moving to a country where the church is persecuted and becoming a tortured prisoner for the rest of my life. Every day brings a new plan/option/idea--keeps me young. :)

Some of the silly ones or more extreme thoughts pass quickly. Most of them get prayed through and laughed through. However, all of the thoughts and questions and day-dreams boil down to several questions: What is a good life for me? What goals should I have?

Some of the dreams and goals that I most frequently have to offer up to God are the dreams of feeling competent, holding a regular, steady job, having a family and living life in a stable home, etc. And while some weeks that is easy, other weeks it is just...difficult. I haven't been prone to tears recently, but Thursday I definitely cried my eyes out while reading Romans 4--I was being reminded again that I'm called to walk by faith, with my highest goal and desire being the love of my Savior and living in His love.

Today in English Bible study, Cindy was talking about the story of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel, and we were going through the sons of Leah. Leah, if you'll remember, was given to Jacob as his wife through trickery, and Jacob did not love her. The poor girl's thought pattern is shown to us by way of her son's names:

1. Reuben - "...because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now."

2. Simeon - "Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too."

3. Levi - "Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." (Note that she's not even talking about love at this point...just attachment.)

4. Judah - "This time I will praise the Lord."

What's behind the "this time I will praise the Lord," I wonder. Had she just resigned herself to her life? Had she given up on her husband's love, and decided that the favor of God and the love of her sons was enough? Every time I look at her sons' names, I am touched by her turmoil over the goal of her husband's love, and by her final statement of praise. Finally, too, Jesus is born from the line of Judah--from Leah, the unloved wife. It's so interesting how God works...

Along the same lines, I've been listening recently to an older song by Down Here called "Protest to Praise" (the video attached to this link isn't the greatest, but it was one of the only ones I could find on youtube--but I recommend the song!). The message is similar: I don't see God here, in the midst of my questions and impossible, selfish dreams that I continually fight and lay down...but I know that He'll move me from protest to praise...and that through all of my responses and reactions to Him, He'll remain.

Sometimes I feel selfish giving you guys these personal ramblings when I'm supposed to be giving updates about ministry...but the ministry that happens spills out of my own wrestlings, prayers, and relationship with God...so along with the rejoicing, you get the questions, and along with the dancing and laughter, there are the tears and pleas for understanding. And after the tears, there is always the great thankfulness for grace. :) How very true are the lyrics from the song: "From protest to praise, You're always amazing me." So I'm pushing "publish post," hoping that even in the authentic, transparent struggles, God will be pointed out as worthy of praise. :)