Summer conversations

"Why do you ask God for help?" my friend, visiting from Tokyo, asked as we leisurely stood outside my apartment swatting mosquitoes and watching the sunset. "God can't be everywhere at once. If he is helping you, then it takes him away from other people who need his help. So you are just being selfish."

We talked about God creating everything, knowing each sparrow that falls, and each hair on our heads.

"Do you really believe that?"

Yeah. Yes, I do, and I don't know how to communicate to you that God knows you. Loves you.

"I think that God sits up in heaven. Sometimes he sends angels, if you are in trouble. But mostly, he is just saying 'ganbatte'--do your best. So I should do my best."

No. Your best...my best...isn't good enough.

"You really believe that God is one, but that God is everywhere? That's illogical."

Yeah. Yes, I do. Yes, maybe it is.

We say goodbye, finally--friends who have spent the last 5 years conversing about religion and God's character...and I sigh as I give a last wave. We've covered topics (generally brought up by my friend) like Jesus' death and salvation, praying to Mary, pain in the world, living good lives, certain biblical parables...but conversations always end in illogical places to eyes without faith. I wish that I had CS Lewis' ability to reason...with that I could know Japanese culture better, so I had better ideas of the presuppositions the people I talk to are holding...

One thing I do feel keenly--that my friend wants to be known and loved by God. Heading back to the apartment, I send up a prayer for God's presence to be real to those who feel Him far away...and for His truth to be revealed.

Fukushima summertime

As I sit here and eat my third batch of ice-cubes for the day, I thought I'd share a short dialogue between my roommate and I which, at the time, did not strike either of us as odd...

H: "So, I can run to the store. I'm guessing I should pick up liquid of some kind..."

C: "Yeah, that'd probably be good."

H: "Anything else? Should I get any ice cream for the computers?"

C: "Hmm...probably."

"Wait!" One might say. "Computers don't need ice cream." Let me explain...

It's a little warm here. :) I pulled up a heat index calculator earlier and discovered that the humidity and temperature adds up to feeling like about 130 degrees Fahrenheit. This does not bode well for either our bodies or our electronics--in the middle of working on my laptop a few days ago I began to smell something burning...followed by a heart-rending scream from my speakers...and my poor Toshiba froze solid (well...had a meltdown).

Because of this, we've recently been using the dry ice that we receive freely at the grocery store with an ice-cream purchase to help cool down our computers. :) The dry ice goes on top of a plate or bag and is placed inside a basket, upon which the computer is set. Then the rotating fan blows air over the dry ice...and hopefully provides a little cool air under the laptop. Our other electronics either fend for themselves or receive cold-water baths from time to time (particularly the refrigerator).

I confess...Cindy and I do actually eat the ice cream. But really...it's for the sake of our laptops that we bought it in the first place... :)

Studying the Sermon on the Mount

²¹ “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ ²² But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell...

One Bible study that I teach is with some lower-level English students, and we generally use all methods of communication available--English, Japanese, facial expressions, gestures, sounds, visual aids of various kinds, etc. I have, at various times, hopped across the room and played dead on the floor in an attempt to communicate meaning. :)

We have just begun studying the Sermon on the Mount in this Bible study, and it's...not easy. After several attempts yesterday to explain the section above in both languages and still receiving confused looks, I realized that my brother was actually sitting right next to me. The poor boy had to undergo some rough words for a bit, as I tried to depict what it might mean to call a brother a fool and have that be equal to murder in God's eyes. :) I was in the middle of a tirade against him when a student broke in by asking incredulously, "Wait...so if this is against God's law...you guys never fought or yelled at each other as children?!"

After laughing, we explained that of COURSE we'd yelled at each other as children--that was pretty natural. Jesus' message showed us that we can't follow God's law perfectly--that even in the deep places of our hearts and minds, we are sinners needing a Savior. The punishment that we deserve to receive was taken by Jesus on the cross, and it's only when we recognize and realize that we are forgiven that we begin to start realizing what it means to have hearts of love for others as well.

Something clicked together: THIS was why we were always talking about Jesus' death and resurrection...THIS was why we celebrated Christmas and Easter... After a few questions, silence with a look of deep pondering settled over the faces and room.

I think most Japanese people who have heard of Jesus describe Him to me by saying, "Oh, yeah, I know Jesus--He told us that love is most important, and we are supposed to love our enemies." Then a lot of people I have met have followed that statement with a comment along the lines of, "Jesus is the same as Buddhist teaching. It also teaches us to be kind to everyone."

I confess that even as I respond with, "Oh? Can you tell me more about that?", inside I'm thinking, "There is more to the story than being kind..." I've been praying that as we study the Sermon on the Mount, we'll learn where the power to love enemies and where kindness really comes from...

As I stacked the Bibles and put things away, I overheard a student speaking out-loud to her child thoughtfully, "We learned something important tonight...what should we do about it?"

"Believe," my heart begged. God, give life and faith to believe...

Snapshot from morning prayer

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

- Ps. 90

We stumble into the church with our pajamas and "morning head" hair, and maybe because of such authenticity--realizing clearly that we are loved in the unlovable, un-beautiful moments--there is a deep sense of awe, joy, and gladness. Hope does not disappoint us...because God's love is unfailing and deeper than we can even grasp.

Summer prayer

We were all in the car, trying to retrace our steps since the earthquake and coming up with words that spilled out in ache and fear and deep tiredness. The question was raised, "What is a joyful activity right now? What do you look forward to?"

The car was suddenly silent. I know there is joy here. Some days...many days...I choose it because I must, and because God says it's free for the taking in Him.

Later, people passing by must have wondered at our rag-tag group in the parking lot--some pajama'd, rubbing sleepy eyes...some holding landscaping tools used during the day...some whispering translations in English, some stumbling through Japanese. Bursts of laughter bringing quick light to serious faces.

The day had thrown wild punches...and it was just a reminder of all of us, trying to give our best and having our best be...not good enough.

My best English class can't bring relief from fears of radiation.

Pastor's best sermon can't free people's grasp on old wounds.

The best and most carefully planned time of prayer doesn't automatically prove God is worthy of praise for those who doubt.

Maybe it's a bad thing that I always try to give everything I can do before I just settle down and give times of prayer. Why does prayer always get put as a "last resort" on my list of job skills?

Freedom, healing, peace, faith, joy, hope...I know the Source from which they come.

So in the dark, in the parking lot, after sharing about the attempts and failures that pile up and take the breath right out of us, we decided to pray through these next weeks.

Pray thanksgiving, to lift our eyes and see the Provider.

Pray repentance, to grasp awe of His Holiness.

Pray life and hope, because the One we call Father is also the Author of Life, making streams in deserts.

Wish to join in?

6:30am (Japan time)/4:30pm (MN time), Tuesdays through Sundays for the next three weeks, following the three prayer themes listed above...or anytime, holding this place and its people up before the King and Father...

Of rings and things...

It was April of 2009, and I had just stepped into my family's kitchen after finishing my first two and a half years in Japan. My arms ached from carrying luggage, back ached from airline travel, and my heart ached from goodbyes. The familiar, warm kitchen could have been the moon for how much I felt like an alien. I had lived and grown and loved in another world for a bit, and I knew it would take awhile before I felt part of this American one that had been my home.

My mother was stepping around the luggage on the floor, chatting about life updates and news. "Hey, Eric called yesterday," she said. "He wanted to know when you were flying in and said he'd call back later."

I went from feeling alone to suddenly realizing that I had friends...and more than that, a history of friendship and shared growth. I think some deep part of my soul smiled big. And I don't think I'll ever quite forget that moment.

The phone call took place...a friendly conversation filled with updates on life changes, processing of faith and difficulties, and obscure references to CS Lewis quotes. :) And I hung up the phone with a heart-felt, "Thank you, God, for the grace you give through friendship with him..."

Fast-forward with me to another conversation almost a year later, while I was in the middle of paperwork and plans for Fukushima--a conversation about friendship and more...and could we talk about what us might mean?...and the seeming finality of the words, "But Eric, I'm going back to Japan. For a couple years."

I don't even remember Eric's response to that statement. I do remember months of asking God why He would open two different doors in front of me that seemed to go in opposite directions. Why would He call me to both travel and stay with someone?

I moved to Fukushima...and Eric and I kept talking. And the year that has passed has taught me a few things:

1. The same God that I trust in Fukushima...I can trust to lead and guide and work anywhere. And in any context. Single? God is trustworthy. Earthquake? God is trustworthy. New job? God is trustworthy. Health concerns? God is trustworthy. Married? I'm guessing that God is trustworthy. :) I am dependent on His grace.

2. The most important travel, discovery, and culture-sharing takes place in the context of relationships. (You should check out Andrew Peterson's "World Traveler"...he says it much better than I. :))

And finally, maybe, I learned over the last year...that the respect, admiration, and care in my friendship with Eric really has grown to love...that I am so blessed to somehow both receive and give.

A short visit to MN for my second brother's wedding this last week involved some time with Eric...and a ring, a question...and an answer of yes. And now I'm back in Fukushima, still not quite able to grasp it all or wipe what I'm sure is a silly smile off my face... :)

Thanks for well-wishes and prayers! It's been a blessing to share the news with people!

This kind of feels like the start of a new journey...and I'm so excited... :)

Love,

Haidee

Adult class

Six of us ladies sat around a box of kleenex and smiled at each other--real smiles, the smiles that come after tears and yells and frustrated words and whispered memories and murmured compassion.

We'd been working through bits of Montgomery Gentry's "Something to Be Proud of"--a random song pulled off my ipod that I thought would be a good springboard for discussions on pride and success and encouragement. In Japan, the comment "I'm really proud of my ____" is just not considered polite, and pride generally (it seems) has negative associations. In the midst of earthquake cleanup and the place trying to pull itself together, I thought pride discussions might be good.

For those of you unfamiliar with the song (as I was, three weeks ago!), it starts out with a father telling his son about past life experiences that he is proud of--hard work, sacrifice, risk, service, family, etc. Then the song goes on to share some of the son's processing and questions involving his own life goals and achievements, ending with the haunting question: Is my life something to be proud of?

The kleenex came out when we started sharing about what that question meant to us...what kinds of things we were proud of. Forget the test scores and skills perfected and high-ranking jobs received--we talked about times of care for others that took every particle of mustered-up energy, dark thoughts and desperation, and times when identity was crushed beyond what we thought fixable.

What were they proud of? They were proud of the breaking and dying that ended up bringing growth and refining love.

I'm thankful for God creating safe places and openness for such discussions. I'm thankful for the bravery shown in sharing. And I'm thankful for the growth and life God brings out of pain and darkness and questions.