It's all part of the job? And an early New Year's goal...

Tonight marked an auspicious date in my life. No, not Christmas Eve, although tonight was the first of two...

Tonight, I was officially the church organist. Officially--as in, I got my music Tuesday, practiced Wednesday and today, and played tonight. I didn't even allow myself to play off the guitar chords, and instead I worked out fingerings for scales of notes that I used to know how to play correctly long ago and somehow forgot when I picked up guitar and contemporary music...

The whole thing brings back memories...mostly of my mother, who used to drink pepto-bismal when she was requested to play the organ at church.

Am I just another generation, preparing to do the same thing? Tonight's job was just several carols on an old pump organ that has keys splitting from years of Japan's humidity and frigidity--hardly a high-quality instrument, and definitely not a musical performance to brag about. But what about next year, which is right around the corner? There's already been talk of a worship committee, a music-planning group, a rotation of organ players that includes my name...

I'm not an organist. Not only am I not an organist, but the people here are not music majors who enjoy singing high "E's" and who can keep track of how many beats are in a measure. Why must I practice an instrument that I can't play to worship God in this fellowship of believers? (Note: I didn't say, 'Why is the organ used in worship?' I like an organ--when it's played by someone who enjoys playing it--someone who can worship with it...).

I'm stopping, I'm stopping...sigh. I know that I harp on this all the time, but the experience behind the questions glares me in the face every single Sunday. And every time I sit down to play an organ.

Cindy adds that it not only glares me in the face, but it stings our ears.

The end. I promise I'll be more Christmas-y tomorrow. :)

*******Days later :)********

Okay, so I'm going to add an amendment now and say that I've been thinking of the blog (above) on and off ever since writing it. Why do I get so frustrated over these questions? The answer that seems to ring true at the moment is that I wonder about what I'm communicating when I play the organ, what we communicate as a church in worship, what believers and those who don't believe yet hear or think or feel during the worship time.

Anyway, I was convicted that I should stop complaining about my questions and do something productive with them--like seek for answers. Over the last year or so, I've thought about studying communication more in-depth. Some of my motivation for this stems from trying to navigate Japanese culture and American culture, and some stems from trying to navigate church culture, religion, theology, and faith.

Maybe this is a New Year's goal coming a little early. :) However, I really do want to learn more about communication--so that instead of pounding out blogs with a growling undertone, I can pinpoint concrete problems and offer concrete solutions to gaps in communication that I feel around me but as of yet don't quite know how to express.

Advent reflections and photos

Rain drumming on the rooftop sets the mood for this "first-morning-of-Christmas-break," and it seems like the perfect time to hole up in a pile of blankets and type. :) December always seems a little like a freight train heading downhill, picking up speed until it reaches a scary pace, and I sometimes wonder, as one of the riders, what will become of us in the plunge! Classes officially finished for the year yesterday, and the next few days simply hold preparations in the food, music, and game variety for the remaining Christmas Eve worship times and Christmas parties.

Christmas.

I've felt like a broken-record all Advent, telling my students again and again, "Jesus was not just a normal baby born in a stable! Christmas is bigger than a one-day celebration and the strangest birth the world's ever heard; Christmas has much more to offer than that."

And so we've been able to explore the depths and the heights, realizing again and again that this Baby is King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the Son of David, and the promised Messiah who reveals to us God as rightful Ruler and Prince of peace.

We've been able to ask real questions about faith and life and rest in the light and guidance of the Baby who is the Bright Morning Star.

We've been able to both cringe and rejoice at the sacrifice of the Lamb--the Baby born to die for sin and somehow wash us white in His blood.

We've been able to jump for joy with small children, realizing that this Baby offers to all who believe the right to be children of God.

We've been able to see promises fulfilled with Abraham, sing "Glory!" with the angels, and receive again and again the offer of life from the Word who was in the beginning and the King who, in the end, invites those who are thirsty to come drink from the water of life.

There is something about typing it all out again, putting it down in black-and-white, that brings a measure of awe into my heart. This is what we learned, what we talked about--what I had a chance to be a part of every week, every event, every day, every class. I pray that my students remember these discussions and Bible studies and receive the same gift of awe and wondrous joy.

And I pray, for myself and all of you readers experiencing a little motion sickness on the December freight train, that either in the midst of breath-taking speed or during the short lulls of rest and refueling, we might be filled with joy and awe at our Savior's birth--the Savior who was fully Baby and so much more!

Finally, some pictures from the last few weeks:

The Koriyama Christmas tree, decorated by several overly-excited children. :)

Advent calendar adventures--thanks to Pr. Becker!

First snowfall in Fukushima

After-school program's Christmas party

Things I'd like to remember from today...

- A "breakthrough" conversation regarding work, rest, and expectations between Cindy and I...followed with at least an hour of Andrew Peterson songs and just...rest.

- One of the mothers from Bible study tonight asking to take home a Japanese Bible, because she wants to read it from beginning to end.

- Thirty minutes of Christmas tree decorating with kids who hadn't done it before. Even the 1-year-old couldn't quite get enough of it. I'm not sure they got the concept of filling in open places...there will be a picture of several very-decorated branches posted at some point!

- Three families who were previously strangers sharing rides, homes, new things, worries, and joys with each other.

- Dinner with Sensei, and conversation that has been needed for awhile...

- The 2-year-old boy from one family kissing the 1-year-old girl from the other family in the glow of the Christmas tree lights and the general atmosphere of joy and goodwill. No kidding. :)

- Amazement in my heart and on the faces of the others when we learned again that the first people the angels called to see Jesus' birth were shepherds. Joy in recognizing that we are all welcome at the "stable" of the King's birth--with our smelly clothing, imperfect hearts, lonely fears, and all the shame we've ever encountered...we are still invited to come and rejoice at the love we find!

Linguistic Woes--international worship is not for the faint of heart!

With Christmas quickly approaching, I decided to put together some pages of Christmas music in English and Japanese to use with students and for evening worship and prayer times. It turned into an interesting saga, so I've decided to document my woes here...

Take "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" for instance. If I wanted to include lyrics for the average Japanese adult, this is what I would type up:

久しく待ちにし　主よ、とく来たりて

Which is all well and good. Except that I (and any child) can't sing aloud all of the kanji (Chinese characters) in the line, because each kanji has multiple readings. I could memorize the readings for the line above, but there are a lot of lines in "O Come, O Come Emmanuel," making memorization a rather impractical option.

So I have to add this line also:

ひさしくまちにし　しゅよ、とくきたりて

久しく待ちにし　主よ、とく来たりて

Okay, now we're all on the same page, you might think. But no--if I'm going to use this song with English students, I need to include the English:

O Come, O come Emmanuel

ひさしくまちにし　しゅよ、とくきたりて

久しく待ちにし　主よ、とく来たりて

Very good, one might think. But wait--now I also need guitar chords.

Em------------Am------Em

O Come, O come Emmanuel

ひさしくまちにし　しゅよ、とくきたりて

久しく待ちにし　主よ、とく来たりて

Surely now, this is all I need, right? Well...if any other foreigner was going to come and join us in singing, I would probably also have to add roman characters so they know how to pronounce the Japanese characters. So, here goes one more line:

Em------------Am------Em

O Come, O come Emmanuel

ひさしくまちにし　しゅよ、とくきたりて

Hisashiku machi nishi Shu yo, toku kitarite

久しく待ちにし　主よ、とく来たりて

I now have five lines. Count them. FIVE. Do you know how many lines are in ONE verse of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel"? And do you know how many VERSES are in "O Come, O Come Emmanuel"? (Quick return to elementary school mathematics: 5x4x7+the chorus, which would be 10 lines...) Answer...is that really 150 lines?!?!

And the clincher:

We sang "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" in a morning prayer meeting this last week. The Japanese lady with us, who has been a Christian for a long time, commented afterwards, "I wonder what 'とく来たりて(tokukitarite)' really means."

Good grief. Why am I trying to put together lyrics for songs that are not understandable anyways? And remind me again why we insist on translating hymns?

Last night I finally just told Cindy, "There will be no more singing. None. I'm done. So there." She laughed at me.

Thankfully, we have Taize music. Most of those songs are only one line, which means each song only requires five lines. And Sensei to explain the meaning behind them. Oy.

In the beginning...of Christmas

Today was one of those Bible studies that I'm still scratching my head over (figuratively speaking, at least :)). At 1:25pm, I was still trying to decide whether to lead the group in John 1, Genesis 1, Revelation 21, Luke 1, or Luke 3. I really wanted to do all of them. :) And my poor students were expecting me to talk about Christmas.

At 1:30pm, looking at the students walking into class, I decided to keep it simple: John 1, focused on the question "Who is Jesus?"

Those of you who know John 1 know that the whole Jesus-question is not easy to answer. The poor students struggled with titles like "the Word," "light," "only Son of the Father," "source of life"--what does that all mean, anyhow? I understood at least part of the looks on their faces--John 1 has never meant a whole lot to me either, mostly because I haven't been able to decipher it.

However, today the Jesus-titles scattered through John's opening description of Jesus led us to Genesis 1 and Revelation, offering pictures of both the living, active, creating Word of God and the glorious, ruling Son of the Father, who is Light for the city of God. And somehow, we ended up talking about our very limited ideas of the Baby born in a manger--how often we forget that the Baby also is the Word and the eternal King and the Light. And somehow, through those discussions, it hit all of us, in different ways: this Jesus is making claims that no other baby has made before. This Baby is claiming to be God.

I love when students are honest, and they tell me, "I can't believe that yet." Even saying that much shows me that they have heard the message, and that they are wrestling with it. And, as we agreed in Bible study today, John's message invites us all to do a little wrestling.

Wrestling is not a bad place to be--I should know, because I'm frequently in that place. How convicting and reassuring it was to be reminded of the spectrum of Christ's existence and rule--from "in the beginning" to "and they shall reign forever and ever."

And knowing the spectrum, how amazing it is to know that this Christ became the Baby in the manger! I pray that your Advent season gives you glimpses into both the glorious hugeness and the amazing smallness of Jesus...and please pray for us, as we study, that faith would grasp the grace of this Word-Light-Baby-King-Jesus.

Questions and weakness

It's been a rather silent period here on the blog...sorry! This month has been filled with a lot of questions that don't translate into concrete posts. In reality, it's probably just "that time" in the stages of culture shock when everything just feels icky and results in an existential crisis at least once a day. :) It's hard to post honest blogs during these times, but here goes...

If I had to choose several "themes of the month," one would definitely be working in weakness. Last night I was chuckling as I heard 2 Corinthians 4 read aloud: "...we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." Yes. Yes, I certainly hope so. For some reason, as part of my job, I'm expected to speak at board meetings...and Cindy ends up leading worship. Those of you who know Cindy and I probably know that we much prefer those roles reversed. I never feel so incompetent as when I'm trying to stammer out Japanese at a board meeting. Another recent of example of weakness: I spent most of last week without a voice or with only a very low, quiet voice--effectively making teaching kid's classes and leading music a slightly pathetic experience for all involved. A third example: we've been putting together a kid's (and family) advent program to be used throughout the next few weeks...and have been reminded frequently of our very low levels of experience in children's ministry. I maybe could post a picture of our star crafts as an example... :)

When each new situation arises when it seems that I'm expected to do exactly what I don't know how to do, I roll my eyes upward and stammer out, "What? How...? Why....?" And pray that God's glory is shown in my weakness. And keep walking--even when I sometimes don't know why.

A recent blessing was to meet an old friend in Niigata. She, Cindy, and I compared life situations and were astounded at the similarities and the questions. My friend is not a Christian, but we talked a lot about God and His direction in our lives. Where/how do we have freedom? What are we called to do? How do we listen, decide, walk in confidence, decipher between the voices, and live in authenticity and obedience to God?

My friend asked me, "Do you always hear God directing you?"

Funny timing. I had just spent at least an hour honestly and painfully asking God why He has been so silent.

"No. I don't hear God directing me." There was no other honest answer for her.

But I know how God has directed me up to this point.

Which means that I'm here. Which means that I missed my brother's first high school play this last weekend. Which means my adopted grandmother and my dog were buried without me. Which means that this stage of culture shock is just plain necessary and good. Which means that I'll be asking for awhile yet what my purpose is here and trying to discover the measuring rod necessary for life's survival in this place. Which means that Thanksgiving involved eating Indian curry instead of turkey. :) Which means we plan children's ministry, create chopstick star crafts that most elementary school teachers would grimace at, and pray for the dear families that God brings in. Which means we continue to fight for time for music and prayer, even when it seems more painful than purposeful. And it means that I go into tomorrow's meeting with the bosses from Tokyo, ready to speak if called on.

And through it all, I pray that God's glory shows through the cracks and weaknesses and days when the questions are too big to handle. The theme for our first advent kid's day today was light, shining in the darkness. I know the light is here...and, as we've taught the kid's to say with an emphatic thumbs-up, it's good.

Ranting...and Jacob and Esau

Read the title and be forewarned. :)

So, the last week hasn't been the most upbeat or cheerful week I've ever experienced. Eric left, I caught a cold that just made me feel miserable and whiny, and then I received an email from my mom sharing that a close friend--an "adopted grandma"--had passed away. Sigh. Then there were the moments when I felt like I was hurting people I loved, moments when discussions about church relations and work left my shoulders and heart sagging in defeat, and moments when the walls between myself and other church members felt at least 20 feet thick...

Double sigh.

Everything finally exploded inside of me today. First things were brought to a head in an icebreaker question at Bible study this morning. It was my job to ask the icebreaker question, and so I side-stepped the normal questions about nature and asked everyone for a good family memory. Hands down, around the table, almost everyone said the same thing: "For Japanese people, there really aren't very many good family memories...there's just not a lot of time when families are together..."

And that was it. In Japanese, there is a word for this: shoganai. Translation: it can't be helped (insert shrug of shoulders and a small bow).

First of all, never--let me repeat NEVER--do I want this to be an answer regarding any family I declare myself to be a part of. It can be helped, in my opinion. So there (insert stomp of foot that should be taken very seriously, even in its childishness). Second, before you think I'm just ranting about Japanese culture, let me continue.

The other thing that influenced me to type a ranting blog post today was an update on international theological discussions that have been taking place. Almost everything about these discussions disgust (can I use that strong of a word?!) me--on both sides. Power-plays. Name-calling. Judgments. Pity-parties. Adherence to rules simply because they are rules. Truth set aside for the "higher calling" of keeping status in the Christian community. Innocents accused. Families left unprotected. Compassion set aside.

Anyway, in the midst of this day of ranting, the Bible study tonight was the story of Jacob stealing Esau's blessing from Isaac. Talk about mixed-up families and good spiritual motives...yeah. The women, Sensei, and I all tracked Jacob and Esau's personalities through several chapters of Genesis. What we found was not so encouraging--the God of Abraham and Isaac seemed to have no good choices when it came to Isaac's sons! One was a strong fighter who did not care for God's promises, and the other was a quiet schemer who was out for all the power he could get.

Finally, near the end of the Bible study, one of the ladies leaned over and asked Sensei, "I always thought that the Bible was about the right and wrong way to live. But these are all stories...are they stories about what we shouldn't be doing?"

I had to smile at Sensei's answer--a perfect response to a day of internal and external ranting. He explained that the Bible portrays historical stories and so more than good or bad, they are real. And because the stories are real, they depict real sins, real sinful people...and a real Savior.

Some days, it just feels like there is a lot of darkness...because it's true. I see it around me and recognize it inside of me. Thank God that He's promised not to leave us this way--and has proven that His promises are trustworthy!